That the frustration of her is over and gone with, for good. While it ultimately is best to separate from that which causes occasional god awful attitudes, I do truly believe a large part of me wanted a handful of her love. Hence why she influenced such frustration aside from the growth of the idea that my initial tenderness had all along been so wrong. I could never know what, if anything she ever thought or possibly felt. I suppose I could have tried to find out, handing my ass over to myself so easily either way, because I’ve long been past the point of no return and nothing had gone according to the plan I had envisioned. I could manifest myself in the middle if it all, way out of my league, but I have just faded into a mirage to myself and others throughout the years since the initial status of equity with many of the people around me with whom I was supposed to integrate with. Apparently though, I’ve never gotten along with them anyways. Now I am so far out on the fringe, the options are rather radically deviated from the initially seemingly possible. They are outcasted further than the self-ascribed outcasted. They are those with disabilities and ailments far beyond Axis I & II. They are those so extremely desperate to be loved. And alas it was as if time truly was non-linear, knowing all along that those whom I’d be best suited for, and them for I, were those that were always going to be undesired & born mentally lame (in the traditional meaning of the word, not the contemporary offense, although it is offensive), undesired even by the undesirable. Now it appears more so every day, the question really is when it is I will accept that loving those types, whom I may initially feel I don’t romantically want to love, is the only right thing to do.

My anger around a certain type of person continues to boil very strongly and steadily, and I’m not trying to stop it. In fact, I am feeding it, because while it is uncomfortable to be truly angry like that, I don’t think I mind it. I do believe it fits in on the equation as the result of blatant dishonesty, misrepresentation, and false facades over and over and over again.

I am a little bit confused. But I am pretty darn sure I mostly feel stupid, because it seems now I was under the impression of the wrong person. Really delusional people make the mistake, so I guess sometimes I am very delusional. While perhaps relieving, it’s also a little sad because it’s still ultimately a question mark, so even this unassumption (as opposed to a previous assumption) could be wrong, and I won’t ever know. I won’t ever know because I can’t get a sign. I won’t ever know because there is a huge difference between I can’t ask, and I don’t want to engage the situation. If I could telepathically communicate to the possibility, I would still plead for the sign, even considering the limiting factors of my life. I do now know that I could realistically imagine a heaven on earth for myself regardless of those.